Love Hurts
by Remma
Summary: Chryed. Set three months after the wedding. Syed has tried to make his marriage work, but does he really want what he thinks he wants?
1. Chapter 1

Love Hurts, by Remma.

Chapter 1.

His mother and his wife clutched at each other happily, Amira giggling gleefully as they waited for the appearance of the little blue line that would confirm that they were to be parents. The longest five minutes of his life. Of course, according to his mother, this was just a formality. Amira was over two weeks late, so of course she was pregnant. That's how the world worked. First marriage, then a family. It was right. It was proper. It was to be expected.

Syed knew that for his mother, this was the proof that she had been right to push him into the marriage. Proof that the marriage was working. Proof that her son was happy.

Never mind that he had to force himself to get up in the morning. Never mind that every time he touched Amira he felt sick, and ill, and lost. Never mind that he could never live up to her expectations, especially after the first time they'd made love - no, not love. It could never be love with her. It was sex. An act, nothing more. The first time he'd had sex with Amira, he had been on fire, angry at her for kissing another man. Angry at his mother for pushing and pushing, and refusing to understand. Angry at Christian for knowing the truth. Angry at Christian for his pity. Angry at Christian for moving on. Angry at Christian.

How had Christian even _known _that he had failed so completely on the honeymoon. Who had told him that the marriage was unconsummated? He had been so angry, yet all he had wanted to do was grab Christian, push him back against the wall and kiss him into oblivion. He had dug his nails into his palms to keep his hands from caressing that perfect body. Forced himself to anger to wipe out the love. Angry even more when it didn't work and he still wanted Christian. Wanted him so much that he couldn't breathe, and he was _so _angry.

So he had sex with Amira, out of anger and desire for Christian. Then afterwards, he ran back to Christian, eager to throw his sympathy back in his face, only to hear that Christian hadn't moved on at all. That Christian still loved him. And still he had to walk away. It nearly killed him, but he had no choice. He had taken Amira's most precious possession; her virginity. He had a responsibility to her now. They would have a baby and they would be happy. He could do it. He had to let Christian go and commit to his wife. He had to.

So now, here they were, waiting. This was what he wanted, right? The perfect family. His mother's approval. His wife's happiness. This was what he had sacrificed so much for. This was why he had given up Christian. Syed was terrified.

"Is it time yet? It's been five minutes, hasn't it?" Amira stroked his arm, her eyes alight with joy.

"Come Amira, bring it to us so that we can start celebrating." His mother's smile was so bright it burned his eyes.

He fixed a smile to his face as he took Amira's hand. "Yes, why don't you go and get it. It's time."

Amira hugged him as she jumped up and ran upstairs to the bathroom. He expected an excited scream, but there was nothing, then her slow tread down the stairs. He knew the second he saw her face that there was no baby. He could see the tears in her eyes and knew he should go to her, hold her, but he couldn't. Instead it was his mother who offered comfort.

They clung together and cried, his mother and his wife, and he so wanted to care. He wanted to hurt too. He wanted to join in the hug. Instead, he got up and got his jacket.

"Syed, where are you going? Your wife needs you now."

His mother reached for him, but he pulled his arm away, muttering, "nowhere, just out for a walk to clear my head," as he left the house.

He wandered around the square aimlessly, his thoughts in turmoil. This was what had wanted, wasn't it? Everything he had done had been aimed at having a baby. Every time he forced himself to have sex with his wife, it was for this. This baby that would make everything right. A pregnant Amira would let him off the hook. He wouldn't have to touch her anymore. He should be devastated that the test had proved negative, so why was it that all he felt was relief?

He gasped as he realised where his feet had brought him. But then, maybe this was where he had been coming all along. He should go home, back to his wife. Back to the safety of his marriage. But he didn't. Instead, he stood outside the blue door and rang the bell.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2.

"Roxy, if that's you, then forget it. This is the first night off I've had in weeks and I'm going out. I don't care if you're understaffed, you'll just have to cope without me."

"It's me, Christian."

Syed put hands against the door, resting his forehead against it's cold surface as he waited. This was taking too long. Christian wasn't going to answer. And why should he? He was the one who had said that they had to go their separate ways. He was the one who had avoided all contact. Why would Christian want to talk to him now? Why would Christian…

"What do you want, Syed? I'm busy."

"No you're not. You just said it was you're night off." What on earth was he saying? Here he was, turning up on Christian's doorstep after three months of nothing, and he was picking a quarrel. Was he insane? Christian had every to tell him to sod off. But he didn't. He laughed, and god, how good it was to hear that again.

"Is that you trying to avoid telling me what you want, Sy?"

Sy. Oh, he'd missed that.

"Sy?"

"Sorry, I was…I just…I wanted to talk to you. Please?"

"Why now, after so long?"

"Please, Christian?"

"It's not a good idea."

"I know. Please?"

"Sy…"

"Please."

"Okay. Come up."

Christian had decorated. It looked good, but it was…different. Syed took it all in, looking at the flat, too scared to look at Christian.

"Well?"

"The flat looks nice. I like that colour."

"Sy, would you at least look at me?"

Syed took a deep breath, lifting his eyes to Christian's, gasping as their eyes met. Nothing had changed. Nothing. All those months of playing the doting husband, of doing his duty, and none of it meant a thing after one minute of Christian.

It was all still there, the love, the desire, the need. It was never going to change. They belonged to each other, and always would. Christian was right. This wasn't a good idea.

"I should go." Syed gazed at Christian. He didn't go.

"You should." Christian gazed back, smiling slightly as Syed still didn't go.

"I'll just go then." Syed settled on the couch, his eyes never leaving Christian's.

"You do that, Sy." Christian sat next to him, his hand reaching automatically to caress before he remembered and let it drop.

"Why are you here, Syed."

"We thought Amira was pregnant. She took the test. Just now."

Christian hissed, starting to stand, but Syed grabbed his arm, keeping him close. "She wasn't, Christian. The test was negative. It was a false alarm."

"Sorry. You must be disappointed. I know how much you want children."

"Yes. No, I mean, I should be disappointed. I know that. I thought it was what I wanted. A baby. A perfect family. But then, when we thought that it had happened, that Amira could be pregnant, all I felt was trapped. That this was it. Now I would never be free of this…this _prison_."

"It was your choice, Syed."

"I know that. I know it was my choice. But I didn't know, Christian! I didn't know how it would feel to lose you and be left with _her_. I thought…I thought I could do it. I did love Amira. I do love her. She's sweet, and loving and beautiful. I knew I could never love her passionately, but I thought it would be enough. That we could make a go of our marriage. Be content together. Because she loves me, Christian, she really does, and I should love her. I want to. I've tried. I've tried so hard, but she's not you, Christian. She can't ever be you, and I'm so afraid that I'm going to end up hating her for that."

"God, Sy. This is a mess."

"I know. I miss you, Christian. I miss you so much. I watch you. I hide and I watch you. It kills me, seeing you and not being allowed to talk to you. To touch you. But not seeing you is even worse. It's like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I think about you all the time, Christian. You're in me so deep there's no getting you out, and the worst thing is, I don't even want to. I love you Christian. Please, tell me you still love me too. I know it's not fair, and I have no right to ask, but please, I have to know."

"Of course I still love you. I'll always love you, but you're _married, _Sy. I won't have an affair with you. I love you too much to push you into that kind of double life."

"I tried to stop it, you know."

"What?"

"The wedding. I begged Mum to postpone it, but she wouldn't listen."

"You…but…I assumed you denied being gay when Zainab confronted you. Are you saying now that you _told _her?"

"I denied it at first, but she was saying all these awful things about you. I couldn't stand it, Christian, for her to talk about you like that, so I told her. I told her I was gay, and that I loved you. She said…she said that if I chose you, I was on my own. Outside of Allah's love, and hers. She wouldn't even let me touch her, Christian, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't lose my mother, so I went ahead. Then you were there, and I thought you were going to tell everyone, and I was…confused. A part of me was so scared of what would happen, but a part wanted you to shout it out, to set me free of the lies, but you didn't. You let it be my choice, and I made the wrong one. I should have chosen you, Christian. I knew it the moment you told me that it would all be okay, because I knew it wouldn't be. That nothing could ever be okay if you weren't in my life."

"I wish I'd known, Sy."

"I didn't dare tell you, because then I wouldn't be able to pretend."

"All this time."

"I've been on auto-pilot, Christian. Doing everything I was supposed to, but I haven't been living. I couldn't let myself feel, because all I feel is you. Now, seeing you, it's like I'm waking up, and I _can't _go back to that charade. I _can't._"

"Then what, Sy? What happens now?"

"I don't know, Christian. I haven't thought that far. I just know that my life without you is a travesty, and I refuse to live that way a moment longer."

"I told you, I won't start an affair with you."

"I'm not asking you to."

"So what are you asking? I have to know, Sy, because I won't survive losing you again. Are you going to leave Amira?"

"_I don't know_, Christian! Yes, I suppose I'll have to, but…I don't know what to do. I just…I love you, Christian, and I have to be with you. Please, I don't know what do. Help me Christian, please."

Syed paced up and down the small room, face in his hands, the tears oozing through his fingers. He stopped in front of Christian, reaching for him, begging for understanding. He sobbed with relief as Christian pulled him close, wrapping him tightly in his arms.

"Shh, it's okay. We'll work it out Sy. Stay here tonight, and in the morning, we'll work it out. Together."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The habitual anxiety that dogged his waking hours stole over him like a suffocating fog. This was his life now, crushing every true emotion, locking his feelings away behind a false smile. Time to lie.

But this morning, something was different. He wasn't clinging to the mattress edge, desperate to avoid contact with the woman who slept beside him. This morning, his head rested on a firm chest, strong fingers stroking through his hair. Christian. He was with Christian. His heart leapt, undreamt of joy engulfing him, sweeping away the cobwebs and bringing him to life.

The hand in his hair tightened, pulling his head back, green eyes locking on his brown.

"Thought you'd never wake up, sleepyhead."

"What time is it? How long was I asleep?"

"More than twelve hours. It's nearly eleven."

"Really? That's…really? Twelve hours?"

Looking guilty, Christian stroked his face, thumb caressing his lips. "I know I should have woken you, but you were exhausted, Sy."

"It's okay. I needed it. I haven't been sleeping right since the wedding."

"Right. The wedding. You should probably go home."

"I know. I don't want to."

"I don't want you to either, but this isn't fair on Amira."

"We didn't do anything last night. Just sleep. I haven't cheated on her."

"Haven't you? Maybe not physically, but in your heart?"

"My heart? Christian, in my heart I'm married to you. Amira has never had that part of me."

"Sy." Christian's eyes widened in amazed satisfaction.

"Christian." Syed yawned, rolling closer, curling into Christian's side. "I sent her a text. Last night. Told her I needed some time so I was staying with you."

"She knows?"

"Only that I needed my friend. She probably thinks I'm disappointed about the baby, or lack of baby, and came here to talk to you."

"You realise that she'll have told Zainab where you are."

"I know. It can't be helped."

"What are you planning on telling your mother?"

"The truth. That nothing's faded. That I love you as much now as I did before. Maybe even more, and that I'm not capable of denying it any longer."

"And Amira? Are you really going to tell her?"

"I have to. I wish I didn't, but this can't go on. Amira deserves to be loved. Cherished. Desired. All the things I can only give to you. I'll never be what she needs."

"She loves you."

"She loves who she thinks I am. She doesn't know _me_. My fault, not hers. I've hidden so much of myself from her, shown her only what's safe; the obedient son; the dutiful husband; the good muslim."

"I know how important your faith and your family are to you, Sy. I never wanted you to change who you are."

"I know. I can see that now. I've been so confused, Christian. Whatever I do, I lose. If I'm a muslim, I can't be gay, and if I'm gay, I can't be a muslim. But I _am _both of those things, and it's pointless trying to deny it. Now I have to make it work, I have no idea how, but I have to try. And the first step is being honest with the people I love."

"You know I'll do anything you need me to do."

"I know. Christian. God, what do I _say _to her?"

"You're asking _me_? I'm the one who never used to do relationships, remember? Before you, my most traumatic break-up was when some bloke refused to give me back my lucky 'Lethal Weapon' socks."

"Not the time, Christian."

"Sorry."

"If I can make her understand that it's not her, that it's because I'm gay."

"Honestly, I'd keep well away from any hint of 'it's not you, it's me', because that mostly always means it _is _you."

"_Christian_."

"Look, I'm not trying to be funny, but there's no easy way to do this, Sy. Whatever you say, she's going to be devastated."

"Oh god, this is impossible."

"If you're having second thoughts…"

"No. I want…I _need _to be with you, Christian. I _have _to do this. Today. Just tell me I can come to you after."

"Of course you can. Should I come with you? I will if that's what you want."

"No, that would only make it worse. This is something I have to do for myself. But I _am_ going to need you, so much, once it's done."

"I'll be waiting. I'll always wait for you, I promise."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

His conviction that this was the right path had seemed so much clearer from the safety of Christian's bed. Now that he was here, standing outside the door to his home, he was overwhelmed by doubt. Doing this would destroy Amira and his family. Once it became known that he had left his wife to live with a man his family would be ostracised. They could lose everything, all so he could get what he wanted.

No, not what he wanted. What he could no longer live without. He had tried, he really had and it was killing him. If he didn't end this now it would only get worse, and not only for him. His resentment of the situation was becoming increasingly difficult to bury. He was so afraid that before long, it would be impossible, afraid even more of the damage he would cause to those he loved when his tortured soul erupted. No. He had to bring an end to this mockery of life.

This way, at least Amira could have a fresh start where no-one knew what had happened. She was a beautiful woman, surely she would meet someone who wouldn't care about her outcast first husband. She would get the life she deserved. She would be loved as he loved Christian. This _was_ right. This was what he had to do.

His mother was on him before he had even closed the door, grabbing his arm and pulling him into the living room.

"Where have you been, Syed?"

"Amira didn't tell you?"

His mother dropped his arm, backing away, looking at him with disgust. "I didn't want to believe her, that you would run to _him_ when you should have been comforting your wife. How could you do such a thing, Syed."

"I needed to talk to him, sort my head out."

"Talk."

"That's right; talk. Because Christian listens to me, Helps me. I needed that. Needed him."

"You think he is you're friend Syed, but he is using you. All he wants is…is…"

"Sex, Mum? That's what you think, isn't it? Well you're wrong. Believe me, if that was what he had wanted last night, I would have been more than willing. But guess what Mum, _he _said no."

"How can you talk to me like this. I am your mother."

"Yes, and I'm your son. Oh wait, I was forgetting, I'm only your son as long as it suits you, isn't that right, Mum?"

"Everything I have done has been for your own good. Promise me you will never speak to that sick, perverted man again and…"

"Stop it! I've told you, don't talk about him like that. Did you not hear anything I just said? he's done nothing wrong. All he's ever done is love me."

"Men like him don't _love, _Syed. They prey on innocent boys and entice them away from their families then ruin them."

"Mum, I'm twenty-five. Christian didn't tempt me away with sweets. What happened between us was _my _choice. _I_ wanted _him._ _I_ kissed _him_."

"Syed, no."

"_Yes_ Mum. Christian didn't make me this way. I _love_ him, but even if I'd never met him, I'd still be gay."

"No. I don't believe it. You were such a sweet, normal boy. You were never…_that_."

"_Yes_, I was. I've known I was gay since I was fifteen_, _but I was scared. I've been scared my whole life. Pretending, playing a part for you, for Dad, for everyone."

"Because you wanted to be normal. And you were succeeding until _Christian _corrupted you."

"Christian set me free. Meeting him was like finding the missing part of myself. But if you're thinking he was the first, he wasn't. he was just the only one who mattered."

"No, what are you saying, that can't be true."

"It is, Mum. See, I didn't succeed that well at crushing my feelings. I could keep a lid on it for a while, but then it would spill out, and I'd go hunting for someone to make it all go away until the next time."

"But now you have Amira, and she's beautiful, I know you think so, because you have said it so many times."

"Yes, she is beautiful, of course I can see that, I'm not blind. But Mum, she could be the most beautiful woman in the world, and I _still_ wouldn't be attracted to her. She's _wrong _Mum. Everything about her is just _wrong. _She's too soft, her skin is too smooth, her hair's too long, the perfume she wears smothers me. I have to force myself to touch her, and afterwards I feel dirty, sick and just…_wrong."_

"I can't hear this."

"I know, but you _have_ to. This is me, Mum. This is who I am. I'm gay. And no amount of denial will change that."

"Syed?"

Shocked. Syed spun around. Amira stood in the doorway, her eyes huge. "Syed?"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5.

It wasn't supposed to happen like this. Yes, he needed to tell her, but not like _this_. He reached for her, but she wouldn't let him hold her. "Amira, I…"

"Why are you saying that, Syed? You aren't gay, you can't be. It's the baby, isn't it? You're upset because I'm not pregnant."

"What? No, I…"

She paced, hands clutching convulsively at her chest. "I'm sorry Syed, I know how much it means to you. I'll try harder. It will work next time, I know it will."

"Amira, no, how can you think that? _None _of this is your fault."

"It must be. I've been a bad wife. I can be selfish, I have too many shoes. I'll be better Syed, I can make you happy, I can."

Oh god, this was unbearable. "Please Amira, don't do this to yourself. You've been great, amazing. Any man would be lucky to have you for a wife, but…"

"I'm not pretty enough. That's it, isn't it? That's why you don't want me. You think I don't notice how I repulse you? I'm ugly, useless…"

"Amira, you're beautiful. You are."

"But you don't love me."

"I love you as much as I will ever love a woman, but I'm sorry, it's not enough. I'm gay, Amira."

"No!" Zainab grabbed Amira, pulling her in front of Syed. "This is your _wife_ Syed. Your _wife. _How can you say these things to her. Have you no shame? Tell her it's a mistake, that you were upset and didn't know what you were saying. _Tell her_, Syed!"

"Mum, stop. You're just making this harder."

"You think it should be easy, to break your wife's heart?"

"Oh, now suddenly you care about her?"

Amira looked between the two of them. "You knew?"

"There is nothing to know. Syed is _confused. _This is all some stupid fantasy. It means nothing."

"You know that's not true, Mum. You think I would be doing any of this if I had a choice?" He took Amira's hands. "I _am_ gay, and I'm so sorry that I've hurt you. I swear, when I married you, I thought I could make you happy. I would never have dragged you into this if I hadn't honestly believed that I could be a good husband to you. And I tried, I really did, but I can't do it any more. I'm sorry, but you have to know the truth."

"Why? Why would I ever need to know _this_? You married me, and now you're saying…what? What are you saying Syed? You're going to leave me with nothing? You're going to disgrace me? What?"

"I'm sorry."

"Stop _saying _that. It means nothing. So what if you're sorry. You _married_ me."

"Amira is right. Syed. You are married now, and you must work together to overcome this…wrongness in you."

"Yes, yes Syed. Now that I know, I can help you. We can go to counselling. It'll work, you'll see."

Syed let go of Amira's hands, shaking his head as he backed away. "You're not listening. I'm _gay_. I don't have some disease that can be cured with an aspirin and a bowl of tomato soup."

"This isn't you talking, Syed. It's _him._ That man. He's making you do this."

"Mum, stop it."

"Zainab, what are you talking about. What man? Syed?"

"She doesn't know what she's talking about. No-one's making me do anything. This is _my_ decision."

"No. It was your decision to honour your family and your religion. This is _him_."

"_Who?"_

Zainab turned to Amira, her face twisted with hate. "_Christian_."

"Christian? Syed? What has Christian got to do with this?"

"Nothing. He has _nothing _to do with this. This is about _me."_

"Why are you blaming Christian? I know he's gay, but he's our friend. Is it because Syed stayed with him last night? You can't think that Christian would try to turn Syed against me, Zainab? Christian wouldn't do that "

"Why don't you tell her, Syed? Tell her what her good friend Christian would do."

"Syed, what does she mean? What is she saying?"

"Amira, it's not…I…oh god, I'm sorry."

"You and _Christian_? No, tell me that's not true."

Syed looked at her, wishing he could take away her pain, tell her that no, of course it wasn't true. That everything would be fine. She didn't deserve any of this, but lying now would only make it worse. "It's true. I love him, Amira."

Amira's hands flew to cover her mouth as she shook her head in denial. "No. Syed, no."

Syed dropped to the couch, his head in his hands. "I'm sorry. I tried to get over him, but it's…"

"How long has it been going on?"

"What? No, Amira…"

"Tell me, Syed, how long have you been betraying me with my best friend?"

"It's not like that. We haven't been having an affair. I finished it with him before we were married, and since then I've been staying away from him. I wanted to make our marriage work."

"You were with him last night."

"Yes, but that was the first time, and all we did was talk."

At Zainab's derisive snort his eyes swung up to her livid. "How many times do I have to say this? I'm not doing this because of Christian. I'm doing it because I'm gay and I can't live a lie any longer."

"So all the time we were dating, when you proposed, you were seeing Christian?"

Syed nodded, standing up and reaching for her again. "Yes, but it was never supposed to be serious. I thought I could give him up, and we could be married and have a life together. That's what I wanted, Amira. But I fell in love. I don't know how, or when it happened, but it did. Even then, I thought I could walk away from him, do what everyone wanted, _be_ who everyone expected me to be. But I was wrong. All of it was wrong, and I _wish_ I could go back and do it all again, but I can't."

The slap shocked him completely. He had been so focused on Amira that he had almost forgotten that his mother was still there. He turned to her, stunned. She flew at him, pushing him back onto the couch in rage, leaning in, her furious face inches from his.

"Enough! Stop this nonsense. Forget this ridiculous infatuation. You have a life here, what can he give you that compares with your family? You have to put him out of your mind."

"I _love_ him, Mum. How would you feel if someone told you it was wrong to love Dad? Could you just _stop_?"

Abruptly she moved away, turning her back on him. "How dare you compare your _obsession _with this man to what is between you father and I."

He rose to stand behind her, willing her to understand. "Because it's the same, Mum."

"What if I said it was okay."

Mother and son turned together to gape at Amira.

"What if I said you could go on seeing him, Syed. We could still be married, and you could go on seeing him."

"Amira, you don't now what you're saying."

"I do, Syed. Don't you see, we don't need a divorce. I love you. We can make this work."

Zainab hugged her, then stood at her side, smiling. "Listen to her, Syed. See what a wonderful, understanding wife you have. See how she is willing to compromise to bring you happiness."

"You're both insane. How can telling me to have an affair possibly be a solution to anything. I would never do a thing like that."

"But if I allowed it…"

"No! Amira, this is crazy." he stared at her, appalled. The worst thing was, he could see just how it would be. Amira kissing him goodbye before he went off to see his lover, his mother asking him to pop into the mini-mart for a pint of milk on his way back. And they would all go on as though nothing at all was happening. "Do you really know me so little to think that I would do that to you, or to Christian. And even if I did agree to it, he wouldn't."

"What would _Christian_ have to complain about. He would be getting what he wanted."

"What, Mum? To see me when I could spare the time? To have to hide the way we felt about each other from everyone? You think that's what he wants? I've made him do that once, and he agreed because he loves me, but it nearly destroyed him. I would never ask it of him again. It wouldn't be fair."

"Fair? What about me, Syed? Was it fair of you to marry me when you loved someone else? Is it fair to dump me now so you can be with _him? _none of this is _fair. _You _owe _me, Syed. I'm telling you now, I don't want a divorce. I'm not just going to let you destroy our marriage. I know we can make it work, we just have to try harder. Once we have a baby, everything will be better."

"A baby? Are you serious? You want to bring a baby into this mess, in spite of what I've told you?"

"Amira is right, Pappo. We should all sit down now and talk about this."

"What, you want to make a rota? Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I stay home, Tuesdays and Thursdays Christian gets me, weekends and holidays to be negotiated? This isn't a business deal, Mum. This is my life. There's nothing to work out. I'm sorry, I have to go. _Please_ understand. It's not that I don't love you, all of you, I _just can't do it anymore._"

They grabbed him as he reached the door, hanging onto his arms, pulling at him, begging. Amira wrapped herself around him, trying to kiss his lips. He could feel his heart breaking as he pushed her away, as he shook off his mother. And still they wouldn't let him go. Amira was crying now, her earlier calm deserting her as the reality of the situation sank in.

His mother was between him and the door, blocking it, pushing at his chest. "No, no, you can't leave. We are your family. You belong here. I am your mother, you must listen to me. I know what is best for you. I am your _mother_."

"Then let me go Mum, because I swear, I'm either going out that door or off a bridge, because I'd rather be _dead_ than go on living like this!"

He wrenched her away from the door, pulling it open and falling through.

He stood in the street outside his families house, shaking and dazed; lost. It was over. What was he to do now? Then, out of the blue, he was there. His Christian. There to save him as he always was. Syed fell against his chest, clutching desperately. He couldn't speak, could barely walk as Christian led him away from prying eyes into the safety of his home.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6.

His mind was in turmoil, going over and over what had just happened. He couldn't believe how bad it had been. And still, it wasn't over. There was his father to face. The father who had already disowned him once. What would his mother tell him now that the pretending was over? Oh god, what had he done?

Amira was destroyed, and it was his fault. He should have talked to her alone, explained everything calmly, but his mother had made him _so_ angry. Why would she never listen? She was so set on blaming Christian that she refused to see _him. _Refused to hear him when he tried to tell her who he was. That he was gay, and no amount of wishing would make him otherwise.

So he had said all those terrible, cruel things, and Amira had heard. After that, there was no way to make her see what an amazing, beautiful woman she was. That she was deserving of love. But my god, that she should blame herself? How could he let that happen? He should never have let things go so far. Ironic that in his desire to please his loved ones he had succeeded only in hurting them.

So many wrong choices. He had always wanted to be perfect, his mother's golden boy, and was so afraid of failing her. Afraid of so much, really, for such a long time. Afraid of needing, of passion, of being found out. Afraid of living. Maybe it was time to stop running and face up to his fears. Time to realise that he had set himself impossible goals. Time to realise that his feelings _did_ matter.

He wrapped his arms around his body, shivering. Then Christian's arms joined his, holding him tight; warming him. He leaned his head back onto Christian's shoulder, turning his face against his neck. He could feel Christian's heart beating, strong and steady, calming him. Christian bent his head, resting his cheek against Syed's hair for a moment before bending further to nuzzle at his throat. Syed lifted a hand to hold Christian's head, thumb stroking gently as he rubbed his face against Christian's forehead.

When Christian moved away, Syed felt the loss like a kick to his stomach. He grabbed Christian's hand to pull him back as he started for the kitchen, gripping tight. Christian looked puzzled for a moment, before reaching up to stroke his hands through Syed's hair, cupping his face and smiling into his eyes.

He should tell Christian what had happened. He deserved to know. He wanted to tell him but the words wouldn't come. He tried again, failed again. And somehow, Christian knew he wasn't ready to talk, pressing a finger to his lips and shaking his head.

Christian took his hands, drawing him around the couch, sitting down and pulling Syed down onto his lap. Syed felt that he really should protest; he wasn't a child after all. Instead, he settled against Christian's chest, holding him and being held in return. How had he ever thought he could live without this?

He lost all track of time as they sat there, just breathing, the chaos in his head easing, the pain flowing away. He shifted around, straddling Christian, kneeling on the couch. He took Christian's face in his hands, studying him intently. What was it about this man that touched him so deeply? He had no clue what made Christian so special that he was willing to abandon all the plans he had made for his future. He had no idea when Christian had become so vital to him. He only knew that somehow, sometime, a life without Christian had become inconceivable.

There was the obvious, of course. Not even his mother would deny how good looking Christian was. His perfect body, the amazing bone structure. Just…perfect. He would never forget the first time he had seen Christian. Lust had hit him like a runaway train, stealing his breath away and making him stupid. 'Christian': 'Muslim'. What had that been about? Then commenting on his firm handshake? He supposed he should be grateful that he hadn't blushed bright red and giggled like a schoolgirl. And the physical desire had never faded, turning him into a puddle of goo every time Christian gave him _that_ look. But this, what they felt for each other, was so much more than simple attraction. More a soul deep connection that drew him like a magnet. So strong that there was no denying it, pulling them back to each other, no matter what.

He felt the tears in his eyes and saw them mirrored in Christian's. He watched as a single tear escaped, bent down to lick it away, salty on his tongue. He kissed Christian's eyelids as they closed, resting his forehead against Christian's. He could feel Christian's breath against his lips. Could feel Christian's hands carding through is hair. Could feel Christian in every cell of his body. Never had he felt to protected. So loved.

How could his mother call this wrong? And yet, that was what he had been raised to believe, that for one man to love another was against God's will. His faith had pushed him to fight against the love that consumed him, but he couldn't do it anymore. He didn't even want to try. It no longer mattered what his culture told him. He loved Christian, and he couldn't make himself believe that that was wrong.

The doorbell sounded loud in the silence, startling them both. Syed felt the panic return as life intruded. He knew who it was, even before he heard his father's voice, calling to be let in. He looked at the door, then at Christian. He knew that Christian was waiting for him. That if he asked it, Christian would lock out the world. He wished they could do that. Hide away in their sanctuary, safe from all the anguish and deceit. But that was no way to make a fresh start.

Breathing deeply, he stood to face the door as Christian buzzed his father in before coming to stand by his side. He was ready.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

His father's face told him nothing as he came through the door. His mother had always been an open book to him, but his father was another story altogether. Coming further into the flat, his father dropped a bag next to the couch before taking a good look around.

"Nice flat."

With a start, Syed realised that this was the first time that his father had been here. How strange, when this place, Christian's home, had become the one place he felt real. It shocked him how completely he had excluded his family from the truth of who he was. He looked at the bag, recognising it as his own. Well, that was it then, wasn't it? He was to be banished again.

"So Mum told you then?"

His father turned to give him a hard look. "Told me? I suppose you could say that. So, I get home and your mother's crying. Amira's crying. Even the baby is crying. Luckily Tamwar was out, or I daresay he would have been crying too. Then they see me and there's more crying and carrying on and garbled explaining, none of it particularly coherent. Apparently, I'm supposed to come over here to either talk some sense into you or drag you back home where you belong."

Syed looked again to the bag. "Obviously, you've chosen another option."

"I haven't chosen anything yet."

"Really? Then why have you packed my things and brought them here?"

"Because you're not a child, Syed. I can't and won't force you to do anything. Besides, I thought you might need more than what you have on you."

"Only thinking of me, then, in spite of what Mum has said."

"Your mother has said a great many things, not all of which I believe, but some of which is obviously true, since you're here. With Christian."

Christian snorted, "I can just guess what she said. 'My poor baby! We have to rescue him from that sick pervert who has corrupted his sweet innocent soul'."

Masood gave a wry smile at Christian's worryingly good impersonation of his wife. "That's pretty much the gist of it, yes."

Unconsciously, Syed moved in front of Christian. "That's not true. Christian has done nothing wrong."

"I never thought he had."

"Right, so it's just me you don't trust then."

Masood shrugged. "Well, you have got previous for lying and deceiving your family, haven't you, Syed?"

Christian moved past Syed, angrily. "That's not fair, Mas. He was _nineteen, _for god's sake. He did what he did because he thought he could make some money and help his family. He never meant to hurt anyone. He was young and he made a mistake, that's all. A _mistake_. He was wrong, and he deserved a bollocking, but what you did, kicking him out, not letting him have any contact with his family _at all_, _lying _to Zainab about why he was gone, Mas, that was just cruel and way over the top."

"Christian, I appreciate that you want to defend my son, but with respect, you don't know what you're talking about."

"I know Syed. I know what he's told me and I know that I believe him. I know he's compassionate, sensitive and kind-hearted. I know that he's devoted to his family, and has sacrificed his own happiness to do what was expected of him. I know he's pushed himself to breaking point trying to make his marriage work, and I know that he's only doing what he's doing now because it was killing him to go on trying. I know that I trust him."

Syed gave Christian a grateful smile, reaching out to rest his hand against Christian chest before turning to confront his father. "Dad, whatever Mum has told you, everything I've done has been _my_ choice. I'm sorry that I've hurt you all, but…"

"You're _sorry_? Do you have _any_ idea what you've done? How could you marry that poor girl when you _knew _you could never be a proper husband to her? How could you destroy her life like that?"

"I _didn't_ know that. I thought I _could_ do it. I thought I could put aside my own feelings and make her happy. Dad. I swear, if I had known, I never would have gone through with it. I hate what I've done, but _I didn't know. _Please, listen to me, I…"

"No, _you _listen. You've deliberately hidden yourself from us, you've…"

"I had no choice!"

"There's always a choice. You could have come to us, Syed; to your mother and me. We would have helped you."

Christian gave a contemptuous laugh. "Go ahead, Sy, tell him how your mother _helped_ you."

"Christian."

Puzzled, Masood frowned at Syed. "What is he talking about? Syed?"

"It's not important, Dad."

"It _is_ important, Sy. You can't let him go on putting all the blame on you when you tried to make things right."

"It _is _my fault, Christian. I'm the one who made all the wrong choices."

"But for all the right reasons. _Tell_ him, Sy, he deserves to know the truth."

"Syed, are you saying that your mother _knew_?"

"Not 'till the day of the wedding."

"Before or after the ceremony?"

"Before."

"And she still let you go ahead with it?"

This time, it was Syed's turn for the cynical laughter. "_Let_ me? That's a good one."

"Dammit, stop playing games with me and tell me what happened."

"You really want to know?"

"Yes."

"You're sure about that?"

"_Yes_. Tell me."

"Okay, fine. I told her that I wanted to postpone the wedding and she told me that if I did that, then I was no son of hers."

Shocked, Masood shook his head in denial. "No."

"_Yes_. She threatened to disown me, Dad. She wouldn't even let me touch her. I _begged _her to help me, and _she wouldn't even let me touch her_. _That's_ how Mum _helped_ me, and you think I should have told you too? Seriously? Besides, I knew how you would react. I came to you for help once before, remember? And you disowned me. Threw me out. You have no idea what that did to me. I was devastated. I was abandoned. And here it was, happening all over again. Once again I was scared, and alone, and afraid that I would lose you all. Right then, that seemed like the worst thing in the world."

"Syed…"

"_No_, you said you wanted to hear this so you can damn well listen. I married Amira because I didn't think I could live without my family. But I was wrong. Turns out, it was Christian I couldn't live without."

Still shaking his head, Masood backed away from his angry son, dropping onto the couch, head in his hands. "You were crying."

"What?"

"At the wedding. When you came out of that room with your mother. You were crying."

"I suppose I was. What difference does that make?"

"Because I _saw_. I _saw _you were upset, and I just put it down to nerves. I didn't even ask you what was wrong."

"Dad…"

"Then when Christian came in. How did I not notice the way you looked at him? You apologised. In the middle of the wedding, you apologised. Then you were so sad. That should have been the happiest day of your life, yet you looked like it was the end of the world. And _I saw nothing. _I'm your father, Syed. I _should_ have seen. I should have asked you what was wrong."

"I made sure there was nothing to see. I thought I was doing the right thing. Even the Imam told me I should go ahead with the wedding, push away the feelings I was having."

"You spoke to the Imam?"

"I needed to talk to someone, Dad."

"And you couldn't come to me?"

"I didn't want to let you down. I'm sorry."

"So am I."

"So are you saying that you can accept that I'm gay?"

Sadly, Masood looked at him. "I don't know. I've never…Christian, please don't take this the wrong way. You know I've always liked and respected you, but you're not muslim and Syed is. For us, this is...it's _wrong, _and there's no getting away from that. If, _when _this comes out, Syed will be a pariah in our community. So I'm sorry, but I wish with all my heart that he wasn't gay and that he felt nothing more for you than friendship."

"You think I didn't wish that too, for the longest time?"

"But you don't any more?"

Syed went to sit beside his father. "No, I don't. I probably should, but I just can't. I love him, Dad. I'm done fighting; it hurts too much. You have no idea how much it hurts to be told that you should let the feelings you have for the one person who is the other half of your soul fade and die. You don't know what it's like, to love someone so completely, but to have everyone tell you that it's wrong."

Masood reached out to touch his face. "Yes, I do."

"What?" Confused, Syed stared at his father.

Masood looked away from him, quiet for so long that Syed started to pull away, then Masood looked at him again, shocking Syed with the pain in his expression.

"The first time I saw your mother, I stopped breathing. She was shopping in the marketplace, haggling over a scarf. I hid behind a stall and watched her, and when, naturally, she got her own way, I followed her. I must have looked ridiculous, dodging behind pillars like some refugee from a James Bond film. But I couldn't let her go. I needed to know who she was, where she was going. I didn't think she'd seen me, till I came barrelling around a corner, thinking I'd lost her, and there she was, hands on hips, demanding that I explain myself. I can't remember what I said, some nonsense about being sure we'd met before. Then I asked her if I could walk with her, which is when she told me she was married."

"What!?"

"She was married, Syed. He was much older than her, a friend of the family. He was well, off, respected in the community. Her family considered him a catch. She was barely sixteen."

"Oh my god."

"I know. I should have left right then, never seen her again. I knew it. She knew it. Instead we walked, shopped, talked, and the next day, we were both there again, and then the next day and the day after that. Every day for two weeks we met. I found out that the friend I was staying with knew her husband, so I convinced him to introduce me. I got myself invited for dinner and 'introduced' to his wife. After that, we found any excuse to meet. We convinced ourselves that it was innocent. That as long as nothing happened between us, then we were doing no harm. And all that time, we were falling more and more in love,"

"What happened? How did Mum tell him?"

"She didn't. She told me to go. I didn't want to, but we thought it was hopeless, that we could never be together, so I said yes, but that I needed to see her one more time before I went. That I needed to see her alone. We met in the marketplace, one last time, but someone saw us. She knew Zainab, knew her husband, and knew she had no business being with another man. She went to Zainab's husband and told him what she had seen. I was all set to go to the airport when my friend came running in and told me that Zainab had been accused of adultery. For a woman in Pakistan that's unbelievably serious. I was scared, and as it turned out I was right to be. Her house was already on fire when I got there. Her husband had locked her in, then set it alight."

Syed couldn't believe what he was hearing. He looked to Christian, his eyes huge. Christian came to him, hugging him as his father continued.

"I broke down the door and she was there, curled up on the floor, her clothes already burning. I smothered the flames and carried her out. There were people there, watching, but not one of them had done anything to help her. All I wanted to do was get her away from there to somewhere safe, where I could look after her, but she was too ill to go anywhere but a hospital. Then, by the time she was well enough to travel, her husband had divorced her, and her family wanted nothing to do with her. We were married, and I brought her back to England with me."

How was he only hearing about this now? He could feel Christian's hand rubbing his back and he leaned against him, needing the comfort only Christian's presence could give him. "Why have you never told us any of this, Dad? You accuse me of keeping my life a secret, but this, it's _huge_. I should have been told."

"You're right, you should have been, but your mother wouldn't allow it. She was ashamed."

"I can't believe…god, she _knew. _Mum _knew_ how I felt and _still _she made me go through with the wedding. How could she do that?"

"You're her justificaton."

"I'm her what?"

"She felt so guilty for what she'd done. She felt that she'd betrayed her husband, her family and her culture. Then she found out she was pregnant, and all her focus was on that. She was terrified that something would happen to you as a punishment on her for daring to want to be happy. When you were born, and you were perfect, you were her proof that she was forgiven. She needed you to be flawless. The golden child who would cancel out her sins."

"How could I ever live up to that?"

"You couldn't. No-one could. It was an impossible burden to place on a child, and I should have done something, but…"

"But what?"

"I was jealous. And before you say anything, I know it was wrong, and unfair, but if anything, that only made it worse, because I hated being wrong and blamed you for that, too. You'd done for her what I couldn't. She was at peace with everything that had happened because of you, not me, and I couldn't stop resenting you for that."

"But it wasn't my fault."

"I know. I have no excuse. I know I've been unfair to you, but I can't change the past. All I can do is try to do better now."

"So what does all this mean? What happens now?"

Masood sighed. "Honestly? No idea. I hate what you did, but I do understand why you did it."

"Do you forgive me?"

"Not yet, but I will. You're my son, Syed, and I love you. Nothing will ever change that."

Syed tried to speak, to tell his father how much that meant to him, but it was all too much. He sobbed, throwing himself into his father's arms, holding on for all he was worth. Masood patted his back soothingly, shushing him until he calmed.

"Dad, I…"

"Sh, it's okay. I need to get home now, but I will come back, I promise. We'll get through this."

"And Mum? Amira?"

"I'll talk to them, do what I can, but don't expect too much too soon."

"Thank-you. You don't know."

Masood smiled down at him as he stood, leaning down to kiss his forehead.

He paused at the door, looking back for a moment. "I don't suppose there's any chance of you changing your mind?"

Syed smiled and shook his head. "None whatsoever."

"I thought not. Christian, mind you take care of my son."

"Always."

Then he was gone.

Christian reached for him. "I meant it, you know. I will always take care of you."

"I know you will. You always have."

"I know this is hard for you, Sy. I wish I could make it easier, but I can't. All I can do is love you with everything I am. Please, tell me that's going to be enough."

"We'll make it enough, Christian. We've tried living apart and it didn't work, so lets see how being together works out for us."

He smiled, cupping Christian's face. He leaned forward, pressing his lips to Christian's. He wanted this kiss to tell Christian that he was cherished. That Syed knew how lucky he was to have him in his life. He wanted this kiss to tell Christian that above all others, he was chosen. That he was, and always would be, first. More than anything, he wanted this kiss to be a promise for the future. A promise that they would have a life together.

Christian was his now, and as much as that terrified him, the joy was so much stronger. They had a hard road ahead of them, but they would walk it together, and they would triumph, because this was _right. They _were right. No matter what his mother or his culture demanded, their love would always be right.

The End.


End file.
